On Course

I am energized after suffering through three days of a long seminar titled something like "Executive Management Training." I am not a manager, nor an executive, just staff. I know they have plans for me in the future.. but this stuff doesn't interest me at all..

I work in the IT field. I do not deal with the issues that were being presented in this course. It seemed like a help desk management course and it is quite dry. Is it me, or are all of these seminars taught by the same guy?.. you might know him by these distinguishing features:

Attire / look and feel:

1. Ponytail (and balding in the front) -- Howard Hessman style
2. Enlarged tummy (aka "The Old Spare Tire")
3. Tie with a Dali print
4. Gold rimmed glasses
5. Cell phone clipped to his belt
6. Missing teeth on the side of the mouth (and multiple fillings)
7. Pen in breast pocket (usually a bic) -- but he's a bit dangerous not using a pocket protector

Mannerisms:

1. Lisp (especially with the letter 'S')
2. Always squats at eye level while monitoring group activities
3. Overexaggerated hand motions to prove a point when there is not enough evidence in his argument

Catch Phrases / Buzz Words:

1. "Robust"
2. "Quality Control"
3. "Change Management"
4. "Granularity"
5. "Black boxes"

So, the first day, we filled out our name plates with our first names on them with big markers and had to introduce ourselves and explain what we want to get out of this course and what we thought about our immediate managers. I was daydreaming that on my turn, when they asked me what my role is within the organization I would say, "Yea, ok.. Hi everybody. I'm just a fu*k chimp for upper management.. an overglorified secretary like everyone else!" ..but I opted for the more politically correct, watered down response.

This course started off with a blast and maintained that same power stride, characterized by half of the 30 attendees leaning their hands on their temples.. shaking their heads in disbelief and stretching every 20 minutes while seated -- oh, and the yawns!! Thank goodness they had a nice selection of teas.. the cinnamon tea was especially flavorfull. I was delightfully over-hydrated. That is where the fun stopped..

And, what's a seminar without the catch phrases and typical lines. Here are a few memorable quotes I endured (my thoughts in italics):

"If we can take one thing back from this course I hope it is that we can all learn from each other."
and how to stop payment on your check..

"Accept change, welcome it, make it fun."
If you could of only have seen the pure ecstasy in his face..

"No, you all should be on page 150.. What page are all of you on?"
Sounds of pages flipping everywhere.. madness!

"When you assume, you make an ass out of.."
I won't even finish remembering this old one..

"Change management is how we implement change."
Followed back-to-back by:

"Incident Management is how we deal with incidents."
Stop the press!

"IT (Information Technology) is also a customer of IT!"
I have no idea what that means..?

"In order to find out where we want to go, we have to know where we are."
Stop!! Please! For the love of...

(He was imitating tech support staff): "Hello sir.. How come you have Windows 95? (pause) Woa.. BIG questions!"
Even out of context, it makes as much sense as it did while 'in context.'

"Does anyone know the four P's of Quality Control?"
How could we possibly know the 4 P's.. a term you made up!?!

"I always say, the cost of education is expensive, try the cost of ignorance?"
I've heard that before.. it ain't yours!

"An eye for an eye.. taken right from Italian law.."
Hmmm.. maybe you missed that day in history class about that little place called Mesopotamia, or some reading material about creation..

"Problem control means we are controlling the problem."
Gold!

"Does anyone know the difference between a major change and a minor change?"
Hmmm.. Shall I go out on a limb here..?

So, you get the point. Furthermore, like any other computer talk, there were multiple three letter acronyms floated at us at an alarming rate. I thought it was additionally interesting to find the instructor having difficulty remembering what the last letter in the acronym meant on several occasions.. then venturing a guess..

After our free lunch (which I think some people think the food tastes better when it's free), we were all struggling to remain conscious. Eyes wide shut..

When we returned from lunch, a jazzified version of the 1812 Overture was blasting on the overhead speakers, followed by a musak version of the 2001 Space Odyssey. I thought I was going insane at this point.

And of course, we were promised to leave a half an hour early which never happened because the guy who always gets drunk at the Xmas party started asking tons of questions and making ridiculous comments to prolong the process. I should have checked his coffee for some 80 proof.

The climax of the day occurred when I was daydreaming about how George C. Scott was so cool for dismissing Hollywood commercialism by boycotting the Oscars, only to be dressed in a bunny suit right before his death for an Energizer commercial (probably for a rent check). I was set back to reality as I noticed that an another attendee was having difficulty trying to explain a situation and the instructor started making short, strange motions with his arms and feet, almost breakdancing moves (reminiscent of the robot).. He would make these actions and abruptly stop after each sentence the attendee made, almost in an effort to visually display that we need to communicate in a clear and coherent manner.. looked like he was playing twister on meth.. seriously! That was a first! Folks, I think we have a live one here!

Oh, and the cherry on top has got to be when a male manager squeezed my ass while we all left for lunch.. as a joke, "cause I was in the way..."

Yet, there are two things I did learn from this seminar:

One: We are all eventually replaceable. In a matter of one or two decades, monkeys could walk in the morning to our office with propeller hats with our names on them and do our jobs.

Two: Hearing the nonsense from this course and all the silly comments and debates from the staff with this instructor, I realized one old saying is very true: When you argue with a fool, so does he.

Thanks for hearing me vent.. It was a long few days...